[The moment the kisses registers he's standing up abruptly, cheeks flaring as he's trying not to smile. It very much is not working.]
Ah, um. Soon. Probably. I'll go see.
[Right!! Away... He goes... And gives Akira's head a soft smack on the way.
It's got like two minutes more but he's committed to waiting now. The longest two minutes of his life before he comes back with his pizza with a sigh. Their pizza.]
It's moments like these where I'll never take tasting for granted ever again.
[ At first, he thought he did something wrong? But no, it's just Goro being awkward. He relaxes, rubbing his neck awkwardly as he watches Goro dart off to the counter.
... Waiting. God. Don't laugh, don't. Even if Goro fidgets or does his usual idle movements, don't laugh. Oh, he's back. Nose wrinkling, he appraises the pizza. ]
Seriously. It felt like my life was empty?
[ Since he's polite he won't take first slice. ]
It was even more concerning when I lost weight in December. Hashtag yikes.
It was a good month to be firm on dieting, that's for certain... What's the point of having nice foods if you can't eat them?
[Really. It'll take a moment to realize Akira's waiting on him before he takes a slice, go ahead, go ahead. Mmmmm. Delicious.]
... So when I could taste again, I ended up going to a buffet to try everything there. I'm sure I erased an entire month's progress. It was delightful.
[ As Goro talks about his journey from being a big eater to a tiny eater back to a big eater, Akira pulls out a modest slice for himself. He only needs two shakes of chili flakes before it's ready to go, but he's awfully quiet.
Well... If you're certain. It's not as if I mind dropping money on you.
[Akira is someone he'd whale for too.
Oh.
Speaking of dropping things. He's about to take another bite of his pizza when he recalls what he'd wanted to ask Akira about earlier, chewing on his lip and then looking away. Nom. Mmm.]
Do you, um, mind if I ask you more about the Velvet Room..? I... recall a few odd things from it, but it isn't as if it means much to me. I'm curious to learn about it.
[ He is a little happy that Goro is attentive—he lucked out with a good boy, really. He pulls another slice, but doesn't go through the hassle of toppings this time. He eats it as is, noticing Goro's nervous body language. ]
I don't mind. [ Quiet, it's hard not to remember the memories from that blue room. ] I should be more...
[ Open? Transparent? Honest...? He drops that fast for a bite of his pizza. ]
... What is a Trickster, exactly? I know what it means in terms of mythology -- Loki is an example of one, as is Susanoo -- but... the way that man mentioned it was different..?
[As if it were a role, a title. Of course it'd stick out in his mind. Of course he'd get caught on it.]
... I wish I knew specifics, but all I know is "Trickster" is what he calls me. I always thought it was a way to call those that were given that power.
[ He's thoughtful now that Goro mentions Loki... Pizza can wait. ]
Trickster might also mean us, those that chose to rebel. Is it really by chance that we have Personas by those themes? Arsene, Satanael, Robin Hood, Loki, Goeman, Carmen...
[ Stroking his chin, he stays in this pensive state for a while longer. ]
Nothing conclusive unless someone else remembers being called that, too. I won't be holding my breathe over it.
[That'd be nice. Connecting with everyone in a positive way.]
I'm not entirely sure I was necessarily rebelling against anything, but that would be nice. And make sense, up in the air or not. You all were quite tricky to catch. I wonder how he ever managed it..? And how he wormed his way into the thieves, considering his feelings on them.
[as if he'd ever join them just because their goals align. feh.]
[ He knows that they're all lost souls... Some more than others. Goro's presence is the biggest reminder of that, but he bats those thoughts away. ]
... I'm guessing we had a common goal. [ That's the only way it makes sense, but based on his other self's feelings towards Akechi. ] That shouldn't be enough to welcome him into the group.
[ Hm. ]
Do you think a fake goody two shoes would do that? Blackmail would taint his pleasant, but obnoxious visage.
[... Wow, immediate, hold on he's gonna eat his pizza. Goro's peeved at his otherself but-- well, to be honest, he can't say he'd be entirely against it himself..? How frustrating. He just doesn't because he has no reason to, because it creates more enemies than friends. And he likes having friends.]
I... Mm. He'd have to be very confident in himself, which I am almost positive would never be a problem considering his egotistical, grand ideas of self-importance, though it isn't as if I have any proof. It isn't as if he had anything to prove to the people that had every reason to dislike and distrust him, Akira. I think there's a good chance foul play was involved, consider how it ended up.
[ He's going to take a slice as Goro slams down the facts on him. While he does have a heap of memories, not a lot of them involve his boyfriend. He does know he stops by Leblanc a lot... That he's an idiot despite being who he is.
A pleasant boy with a dark side, a burning fire inside him. ]
How sly and devious, but smart. It obviously worked since I have memories of us running around the casino together. It almost felt like you belonged there.
[ Some of their conversations felt natural, moves on the battlefield were seamless, but Akira isn't blind. There was synergy iced on underlying hostility, distrust hiding behind the corner. ]
I bet he showed off a lot and enjoyed every second of it.
[He can recall it a little, how genuinely excited the other him had been to learn things he honestly hadn't known from his previous stints, even if it was clear the others didn't like him or trust him. He'd always gotten memories of fighting alone, but maybe he could trigger ones with the others if he fought more with his fellow thieves..?
... The other thieves? Akira'd suited him under the same banner last gathering, but it was still strange. A little.]
They didn't seem very keen on his antics, though. Nothing he's unused to, I'm sure, since he hadn't seemed bothered, but I wonder if he felt like he belonged for even a little bit despite that.
[Part of him hope so, but a part of him doesn't. Having a good thing and then having that taken away somehow is always more painful than never having it in the first place, and... he hadn't seemed particularly regretful after one memory, but Goro's been privy to his other self's thoughts. What seventeen year old likes killing? Huff.]
Would you call him charming? Something about the way he speaks is nice and friendly, but distant and condescending.
[ Huh. That sounds familiar. He doesn't mean to draw obvious parallels, but it's there. He knows they did not like any of Akechi's shaded talk. With every shot Akechi took at the Phantom Thieves, Ryuji took it harder than all of them and their popularity flopped on its head.
He nibbles on his pizza, thinking over the betrayal as another example. They knew... Somehow, they knew for a while and yet they saw more in Akechi than a thorn in their side. He has committed countless of crimes, but they still saw parts of themselves in him. It would be so easy to say Akechi found a place to belong, but that isn't true. He doesn't know and that may be the most haunting part. ]
He could have. [ ... ] "If only we met earlier."
[ Pity and regret engulfs him, a residue from the memories. His other self didn't condone what Akechi did—he wasn't going to help him evade justice like he did no wrong. Still, he wondered if he saw the signs earlier, if he reached out months before. Maybe, just maybe, they could have at least saved him. They could have been friends. Rivals. ]
Do you feel like you belong, Goro?
[ Waiting for an answer, he's back to having a stuffed face. It feels like a throwaway question, but it's important to him. If there's a chance that any of that can happen, where he can't find a place and history repeats itself. This time, this time for sure... He will do something. ]
I certainly would. He knows how to play his audience too, saying the right sort of thing to pull their attention away what he'd like to hide.
[Not that it's any different than what he does, ah. Goro's stomach churns and he presses his lips together in a tight line, resting on his hand as he looks away. At the question, though, his gaze returns with surprise clearly in them.
Does he.
The implication is there, that there's the chance things could go pear-shaped and Goro could turn out something similar, that history could repeat itself, and he feels the hair on the back of his neck raise.]
Do you think I'd do anything he did, [quietly, but very much veiling his irritation,] even if I didn't, Akira?
[It's a touchy topic and something he worried constantly about. Still does at times, but he and Sena share that fear and he's comforted by it, that neither of them are the same as those other selves of theirs, that they wouldn't drop to such levels. The past doesn't matter. Shouldn't. The people they are now should.
But he exhales his hurt out, letting Akira see the profile of his face again. He's frowning.]
To answer your question, however, I do. I have plenty of people surrounding me, but it doesn't feel lonely the way in those memories; I have friends, those I've let in, people who understand even oddly niche fears of mine, I have you... Of course I feel like I belong, no matter how dead I may be in another life. This one's mine.
[ His heart sinks when he hears Goro’s voice and sees the surprise in his eyes, feeling guilt in every muscle in his body. Appetite gone, he picks at the pizza crust in his hands. When that goes nowhere, he leaves it in the cardboard box, intending to get back to it when hunger returns. ]
I don’t... I was just hoping you found that here—that you’re happy.
[ Instead of looking at Goro, he keeps his gaze down and fixates on wiping his hands with the napkin, almost obsessively. It keeps this heightened anxiety from boiling over, but his mind still races. He made a mistake. What should he say? Should he leave? Would that be better? Though he’s hyperfocused on something else, he can sense the irritation, he can hear the frown and frustration; it makes the air heavier as it is stale. Was there any doubt in his mind? No. He’s sure, very sure. He trusts Goro enough to sleep in the same house with him, the same room, and the same bed.
Then why does it feel like they’re so far away at times? They can be sitting next to each other, enjoying their time, and he’s facing a mental closing door the next second. The bright, cheerful smile can embrace him with its infectious ardor, yet the cold and worries come in droves. ]
I should have worded that better. [ ... ] Or I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry.
Good, a part of him says, and Goro shoves that so far down it may as well be drowning. He can't touch Akira right now (it'd feel weird, the air is fragile and he's almost certain his boyfriend wants to bolt) but he can at least put out a more open expression of body language, unwinding himself and leaning back against his seat, hands between his legs. Head tilted back to watch the ceiling, wishing the planetary decorations were more real.]
No, I... It's just something that I've thought often about myself. If I could become like that person, given the same circumstances. How much this life differs from that. He'd certainly hate me, you know, loathe me as much as he had you and the others -- because I have everything he'd ever wanted, and it's not fair. I have my mother. I have friends. I don't have a past stained red.
[He pauses to collect himself, breathing out evenly, forcing himself to look up at Akira...'s shoulder, that's fine, shoulder is fine. Safe. There's guilt chewing at him, given that all he stated were facts and not feelings (a bad habit, Silver picked at it too), and it's with that out that he lays a hand on the table, palm up for Akira.]
Sorry. I'm very happy, I promise. Even with everything, this has to be the happiest point of my life ever. And I'm glad I get to share it with you.
[ Oh... Akira has assumed as much, but they don’t often talk about their other selves in regards to themselves. Once in a while it turns up, something short and obvious. It’s new, filling in the picture he has for Goro and his thoughts. It lacks anecdotes, emotion, but it would be hypocritical to point that out. Akira does the same exact thing; it’s easier to state facts and occurrences as they are than illustrate each bubble emotion attached.
Goro’s attempts in loosening the atmosphere works overall. He catches the small gestures from the corner of his eye and relaxes himself; antsy habit dropped, he lets the napkin hang from his hand. For a moment, they feel closer and he basks in that solace, gently smiling to himself with his eyes still downcast. Does he thank him for sharing? Thank him for understanding? No. That’s off-putting and might throw them deeper into a conversation he isn’t ready to have. ]
I feel the same way... I’m happy. [ He may not have the same confidence as Joker, but this happiness is still real. ] Thanks for sharing your life with me—
[ Abruptly, he stops mid-sentence at the sign of the open palm. It’s obvious Goro is expecting him to hold his hand. Anyone can see that. But in panic and surprise, Akira deposits the lonesome pizza crust once abandoned right into his clutches. ]
[Goro blinks at the crust deposited in hand, amusement becoming apparent as his grin widens and he lifts it to his mouth, munching on it instead. It's easier to tease Akira than to let his heart and mind run away with those words, I wouldn't mind sharing the rest with you too held back at the back of his throat.]
You really are weird. [The most fond thing in the world.] I can't tell if it's becoming more apparent because you're comfortable with me or what, but you really are. Thank you, kitty-chan, for your offering.
[ Kitty-chan. Steam is practically exuding from his head... Just smile, no matter how awful this is. Just smile. Goro is so into him that being called weird is a compliment. It's comforting, but gives him mixed feelings.
Inside, he wants to bury himself and never come back. He tugs his bangs to keep him leveled and steady. If only it can give him back the composure he fucking lost. ]
I know it's what you've always wanted, master.
[ He's going to run with it even though it's so obvious this wasn't intentional. ]
[ HE'S SO CONFUSED. Why are you blushing? That was just a playful phrase! It was a reference!! He's pretending to be a cat! Now it's making him fluster. ]
Haven't you heard me say that enough when you visited the cat cafe during maid and butler month?
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I think your pizza is ready.
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Ah, um. Soon. Probably. I'll go see.
[Right!! Away... He goes... And gives Akira's head a soft smack on the way.
It's got like two minutes more but he's committed to waiting now. The longest two minutes of his life before he comes back with his pizza with a sigh. Their pizza.]
It's moments like these where I'll never take tasting for granted ever again.
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... Waiting. God. Don't laugh, don't. Even if Goro fidgets or does his usual idle movements, don't laugh. Oh, he's back. Nose wrinkling, he appraises the pizza. ]
Seriously. It felt like my life was empty?
[ Since he's polite he won't take first slice. ]
It was even more concerning when I lost weight in December. Hashtag yikes.
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[Really. It'll take a moment to realize Akira's waiting on him before he takes a slice, go ahead, go ahead. Mmmmm. Delicious.]
... So when I could taste again, I ended up going to a buffet to try everything there. I'm sure I erased an entire month's progress. It was delightful.
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Almost sullen. Grumbling ever so softly: ]
I want to go to a buffet.
[ Then he proceeds to eat. ]
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I can take you to one, if you'd like?
[It's gonna be for Akira's bday at this rate.]
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N... No, it's fine. It would be better if we went for a big occasion?
[ And here he's thinking anniversary. ]
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Well... If you're certain. It's not as if I mind dropping money on you.
[Akira is someone he'd whale for too.
Oh.
Speaking of dropping things. He's about to take another bite of his pizza when he recalls what he'd wanted to ask Akira about earlier, chewing on his lip and then looking away. Nom. Mmm.]
Do you, um, mind if I ask you more about the Velvet Room..? I... recall a few odd things from it, but it isn't as if it means much to me. I'm curious to learn about it.
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I don't mind. [ Quiet, it's hard not to remember the memories from that blue room. ] I should be more...
[ Open? Transparent? Honest...? He drops that fast for a bite of his pizza. ]
So what did you want to ask?
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[As if it were a role, a title. Of course it'd stick out in his mind. Of course he'd get caught on it.]
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[ He's thoughtful now that Goro mentions Loki... Pizza can wait. ]
Trickster might also mean us, those that chose to rebel. Is it really by chance that we have Personas by those themes? Arsene, Satanael, Robin Hood, Loki, Goeman, Carmen...
[ Stroking his chin, he stays in this pensive state for a while longer. ]
Nothing conclusive unless someone else remembers being called that, too. I won't be holding my breathe over it.
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I'm not entirely sure I was necessarily rebelling against anything, but that would be nice. And make sense, up in the air or not. You all were quite tricky to catch. I wonder how he ever managed it..? And how he wormed his way into the thieves, considering his feelings on them.
[as if he'd ever join them just because their goals align. feh.]
Blackmail?
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... I'm guessing we had a common goal. [ That's the only way it makes sense, but based on his other self's feelings towards Akechi. ] That shouldn't be enough to welcome him into the group.
[ Hm. ]
Do you think a fake goody two shoes would do that? Blackmail would taint his pleasant, but obnoxious visage.
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[... Wow, immediate, hold on he's gonna eat his pizza. Goro's peeved at his otherself but-- well, to be honest, he can't say he'd be entirely against it himself..? How frustrating. He just doesn't because he has no reason to, because it creates more enemies than friends. And he likes having friends.]
I... Mm. He'd have to be very confident in himself, which I am almost positive would never be a problem considering his egotistical, grand ideas of self-importance, though it isn't as if I have any proof. It isn't as if he had anything to prove to the people that had every reason to dislike and distrust him, Akira. I think there's a good chance foul play was involved, consider how it ended up.
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A pleasant boy with a dark side, a burning fire inside him. ]
How sly and devious, but smart. It obviously worked since I have memories of us running around the casino together. It almost felt like you belonged there.
[ Some of their conversations felt natural, moves on the battlefield were seamless, but Akira isn't blind. There was synergy iced on underlying hostility, distrust hiding behind the corner. ]
I bet he showed off a lot and enjoyed every second of it.
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[He can recall it a little, how genuinely excited the other him had been to learn things he honestly hadn't known from his previous stints, even if it was clear the others didn't like him or trust him. He'd always gotten memories of fighting alone, but maybe he could trigger ones with the others if he fought more with his fellow thieves..?
... The other thieves? Akira'd suited him under the same banner last gathering, but it was still strange. A little.]
They didn't seem very keen on his antics, though. Nothing he's unused to, I'm sure, since he hadn't seemed bothered, but I wonder if he felt like he belonged for even a little bit despite that.
[Part of him hope so, but a part of him doesn't. Having a good thing and then having that taken away somehow is always more painful than never having it in the first place, and... he hadn't seemed particularly regretful after one memory, but Goro's been privy to his other self's thoughts. What seventeen year old likes killing? Huff.]
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[ Huh. That sounds familiar. He doesn't mean to draw obvious parallels, but it's there. He knows they did not like any of Akechi's shaded talk. With every shot Akechi took at the Phantom Thieves, Ryuji took it harder than all of them and their popularity flopped on its head.
He nibbles on his pizza, thinking over the betrayal as another example. They knew... Somehow, they knew for a while and yet they saw more in Akechi than a thorn in their side. He has committed countless of crimes, but they still saw parts of themselves in him. It would be so easy to say Akechi found a place to belong, but that isn't true. He doesn't know and that may be the most haunting part. ]
He could have. [ ... ] "If only we met earlier."
[ Pity and regret engulfs him, a residue from the memories. His other self didn't condone what Akechi did—he wasn't going to help him evade justice like he did no wrong. Still, he wondered if he saw the signs earlier, if he reached out months before. Maybe, just maybe, they could have at least saved him. They could have been friends. Rivals. ]
Do you feel like you belong, Goro?
[ Waiting for an answer, he's back to having a stuffed face. It feels like a throwaway question, but it's important to him. If there's a chance that any of that can happen, where he can't find a place and history repeats itself. This time, this time for sure... He will do something. ]
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[Not that it's any different than what he does, ah. Goro's stomach churns and he presses his lips together in a tight line, resting on his hand as he looks away. At the question, though, his gaze returns with surprise clearly in them.
Does he.
The implication is there, that there's the chance things could go pear-shaped and Goro could turn out something similar, that history could repeat itself, and he feels the hair on the back of his neck raise.]
Do you think I'd do anything he did, [quietly, but very much veiling his irritation,] even if I didn't, Akira?
[It's a touchy topic and something he worried constantly about. Still does at times, but he and Sena share that fear and he's comforted by it, that neither of them are the same as those other selves of theirs, that they wouldn't drop to such levels. The past doesn't matter. Shouldn't. The people they are now should.
But he exhales his hurt out, letting Akira see the profile of his face again. He's frowning.]
To answer your question, however, I do. I have plenty of people surrounding me, but it doesn't feel lonely the way in those memories; I have friends, those I've let in, people who understand even oddly niche fears of mine, I have you... Of course I feel like I belong, no matter how dead I may be in another life. This one's mine.
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I don’t... I was just hoping you found that here—that you’re happy.
[ Instead of looking at Goro, he keeps his gaze down and fixates on wiping his hands with the napkin, almost obsessively. It keeps this heightened anxiety from boiling over, but his mind still races. He made a mistake. What should he say? Should he leave? Would that be better? Though he’s hyperfocused on something else, he can sense the irritation, he can hear the frown and frustration; it makes the air heavier as it is stale. Was there any doubt in his mind? No. He’s sure, very sure. He trusts Goro enough to sleep in the same house with him, the same room, and the same bed.
Then why does it feel like they’re so far away at times? They can be sitting next to each other, enjoying their time, and he’s facing a mental closing door the next second. The bright, cheerful smile can embrace him with its infectious ardor, yet the cold and worries come in droves. ]
I should have worded that better. [ ... ] Or I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry.
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Good, a part of him says, and Goro shoves that so far down it may as well be drowning. He can't touch Akira right now (it'd feel weird, the air is fragile and he's almost certain his boyfriend wants to bolt) but he can at least put out a more open expression of body language, unwinding himself and leaning back against his seat, hands between his legs. Head tilted back to watch the ceiling, wishing the planetary decorations were more real.]
No, I... It's just something that I've thought often about myself. If I could become like that person, given the same circumstances. How much this life differs from that. He'd certainly hate me, you know, loathe me as much as he had you and the others -- because I have everything he'd ever wanted, and it's not fair. I have my mother. I have friends. I don't have a past stained red.
[He pauses to collect himself, breathing out evenly, forcing himself to look up at Akira...'s shoulder, that's fine, shoulder is fine. Safe. There's guilt chewing at him, given that all he stated were facts and not feelings (a bad habit, Silver picked at it too), and it's with that out that he lays a hand on the table, palm up for Akira.]
Sorry. I'm very happy, I promise. Even with everything, this has to be the happiest point of my life ever. And I'm glad I get to share it with you.
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Goro’s attempts in loosening the atmosphere works overall. He catches the small gestures from the corner of his eye and relaxes himself; antsy habit dropped, he lets the napkin hang from his hand. For a moment, they feel closer and he basks in that solace, gently smiling to himself with his eyes still downcast. Does he thank him for sharing? Thank him for understanding? No. That’s off-putting and might throw them deeper into a conversation he isn’t ready to have. ]
I feel the same way... I’m happy. [ He may not have the same confidence as Joker, but this happiness is still real. ] Thanks for sharing your life with me—
[ Abruptly, he stops mid-sentence at the sign of the open palm. It’s obvious Goro is expecting him to hold his hand. Anyone can see that. But in panic and surprise, Akira deposits the lonesome pizza crust once abandoned right into his clutches. ]
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You really are weird. [The most fond thing in the world.] I can't tell if it's becoming more apparent because you're comfortable with me or what, but you really are. Thank you, kitty-chan, for your offering.
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Inside, he wants to bury himself and never come back. He tugs his bangs to keep him leveled and steady. If only it can give him back the composure he fucking lost. ]
I know it's what you've always wanted, master.
[ He's going to run with it even though it's so obvious this wasn't intentional. ]
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Why are you like that?
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[ HE'S SO CONFUSED. Why are you blushing? That was just a playful phrase! It was a reference!! He's pretending to be a cat! Now it's making him fluster. ]
Haven't you heard me say that enough when you visited the cat cafe during maid and butler month?
[ Gently. Shoves. ]
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