[ He clears his throat once, twice, feeling the small little butterflies in his chest as he remembers this small memory. It's... Kind of embarrassing. He has never had the opportunity to share anything, really.
It's fine, he's a regular on the Internet. ]
Back when I was really young, we couldn't afford a lot of things... But my family planned to go to an amusement park for the very first time. I remember my dad had been working overtime to gain the graces of his superiors and my mom slaving away over a computer to make sure she's free that weekend, too. Unfortunately, the amusement park ended up being closed for last minute construction—I was pretty disappointed. [ ... ] Okay, I was upset, but I didn't show it.
[ Let's not lie? He really wanted to go? ]
Then the next day, my parents set up a miniature amusement park in our small home. Mostly some small booths with carnival games... A makeshift roller coaster cart that's actually a dressed up laundry basket with a projector set up in front of it. My dad would shake the cart and move it around to make it match whatever video was showing. There was a shadow puppet play, too.
[ Thinking about it, it reminds him he hasn't spent time with his family as a family in a long while. ]
[Goro listens, gaze returning to him at the first word, and relaxes as it goes. He doesn't laugh any, but his smile is pleased and fond. How sweet... It sounds like they knew how upset he was and compensated for it. He shifts a bit, not closing the distance any but just sort of making himself more comfortable.
There's some envy, but it isn't burdensome. Just natural. The grass is always greener; where Akira might've been close to his family at some point, it would seem he isn't so much now... and despite Goro having a shattered one, all things considered, he can't imagine being without his mother, his aunt and uncle. Who needs a full family.]
[ It takes him a moment, expression blank before it brightens up. ]
Yeah. It was my first amusement park and nothing will change that.
[ It’s weird, but that memory almost feels foreign to him. It’s been a long time since he thought of it, hasn’t it. It’s almost pathetic of him—note to self, maybe keep a gratitude journal. He’s smiling fondly, but realizes Goro is also smiling. It makes him nervous in a way he can’t explain... His gaze falls as fretful fingers run through his own hair. ]
I kept my part of the deal.
[ Puffing out his cheeks, he keeps it like that for a couple of seconds before letting the air out. ]
[He shifts onto his back, staring up at the blanket that makes their ceiling, and hums thoughtfully. Not so tense anymore. Easier to think.
... A lot of his memories are muffled, thouģh. Wrapped tight and sealed away. Goro knows logically there are happy times, but they seem so inconsequential that they don't surface; happy birthday hummed until his mom fell asleep holding him, growing flowers, festivals they don't really have here... all important to him, but nothing compared to Akira's.
He really shouldn't compare.]
... I suppose the happiest memory I have is a festival happening around my birthday. It almost felt like it was a celebration for me, with so many people and fireworks, and my mom even made me a small cake. As a child, that feeling was exhilarating, almost too good to be true, but it isn't like I could tell you specifics. I was too wrapped up in wonder.
[It's small and lame, it's just born from a wish to have a big party and technically getting it, but it does count under the happy memory umbrella. As far as he's concerned, it's the happiest he recalls feeling.]
[ Happiness is happiness, Goro, and that's what Akira wants to convey. He listens inquisitively with eyes on him, watching like a cat pining for something more. As the story continues, the ends of his lips quirk up less from anxiety, more out of endearment. It's a simple memory, a cherished happiness... He knows full well Goro never had a chance to live a life with his father in the picture, but he believes it doesn't make his family any less complete.
When it ends, he scoots closer to nuzzle into the side of his dyed head. When he's done burying his nose in, he gently whispers something. It isn't surprising, nothing offensive. ]
I'll throw you a big party next year. Fireworks and all.
[ He has a friend that's a cop so they won't get arrested for it, either. ]
Of course I'll need advice from your mom here and there, just to make sure it has that magic touch.
[Goro's heart catches and he laughs a little, startled and soft, before he clears his throat and tucks some hair behind his ear. Akira's so... he doesn't know, Akira is so something and he feels entirely too gay. Warm and filled with something light. Cotton candy, maybe. Sweet and delectable.]
I'd like that. [Quiet, and he turns his head to look at Akira, gaze as affectionate as his tone.] Though I'd be just as happy with a party of you and some sparklers, you know.
[At least, that's how he feels at this very moment.]
[ Feeling too gay is very much a daily occurrence... Akira can't imagine a life where he doesn't feel weak to any of his friends, male or female (obviously less gay), to be honest. To think Goro is trying to withhold love and affection from him. How deplorable? He shimmies back a bit to give Goro some space to turn, but that space is invaded not too long after. ]
You can still monopolize me all you want in the company of all your friends and family.
[ He mouths the words "baka" before gently flicking Goro's forehead. ]
[He makes a small show of rubbing his forehead with a hurt look, but it's just as soon gone.]
And have them tease me mercilessly about it? I'll die, Akira.
[But honestly, he's keen on the idea. That's really showing him off. And... by that time, for better or worse, his family would know that he's dating a boy. A very wonderful boy. A boy who is not without faults, but makes him very happy and that's what is important to them. Goro'll sigh, brushing his fingers through Akira's hair.]
I suppose I'll just take you down with me. Don't think I won't, I'll have plenty of know-how by that time.
Hey... I'm already going to be your arm candy? Isn't that enough?
[ Why won't you let him live?
He's basically going to die with Goro whether or not he likes it. It's the boy's birthday and the least he can do is try his best to make him happy, especially after everything. ]
All right. That wasn't so bad. [ But now it's the harder part. ] Do you want me to start the second part?
It's almost like an interview... is this my monthly review as your boyfriend? Will you give me a grade based on my performance? Because there's certainly other things I could do to pass with flying marks.
[Like cook! And take out on dates! Fun dates are worth an A+.]
I can start on this one, though. I suppose it would be my saddest? Or my worst.
[ Should he be unsettled by how easily Goro is taking this? He opens his eyes to gives Goro a small squint... Hell fucking yeah he's grading you and you're doing him a frighten, boy. ]
[Sorry?? He compartmentalizes a lot of the worse ones, so it's just sort of... there. He can look at them without feeling much. Generally.]
I'll do my best to pass, then... Let's see.
[Now he's bringing nails into this, sort of scratching Akira's head like you would a cat's.]
There was a stray dog that I befriended, once. I shared my leftovers with her every day until she'd wait for me at the gate, obedient as could be. So she wasn't really my dog, but she was important to me. And then, after summer break...
[Goro trails off, smile waning.]
I stopped seeing her around. I waited for her every day, since she would walk me home, but... nothing. I was devastated. Maybe she'd simply gotten tired of waiting in the heat. Maybe she thought I wasn't coming around anymore. So I reluctantly put it to the back of my mind and continued as I had before.
Soon after, there were complaints about a terrible, rotting smell coming from an alley near the school. It was disturbing the children, they said. It was harmful to public health. Things like that. But no one could find the source of the stench, and I wasn't particularly interested in finding it either. It was gross and none of my business.
[He's quiet for a moment, hand slowly coming to a stop.]
I was given a... helpful tip, you could say, by way of some writing on my desk. It didn't seem unusual at first, given that it was just the writing I'd gotten used to washing off every morning, but... when I followed the directions that afternoon, under the blistering sun, the stench so horrible I could barely stand it, I found my friend. There was, ah, no... no way I could identify who'd done it, of course, and she was just a stray, so it wasn't like she truly mattered to anyone but me...
[A lump lodges itself in his throat and he swallows, glancing off. This isn't even anything he's told his mom, honestly? Akira's probably the first person -- no, definitely the first person to ever hear this, and Goro shrinks back with a soft laugh, trying to hide his sudden vulnerability. As if Alerted, Belle's clambering over Akira with a series of chirrups to press herself onto Goro, settling once he starts to pet her.]
Sorry. That was a little overachieving of me, wasn't it.
[ He's about to speak up before Belle just walks over him like he's trash and takes his rightful place beside his boyfriend. Mouth closing to a tight thin line, there's an expression of sympathy. If that happened to Morrigan, he wouldn't know how he would fee—yet... He knows very well he was a lot different than Goro at that age, even more drastically different than who he is now.
Still, it doesn't change the gruesome tale laid before him. There are some heavy implications here that concerns Akira, but the matter at hand is Goro lost someone dear to him... He huddles closer, trying to get his own piece of Goro despite Belle blocking his way. That's fine. He's close enough. It's fine. The comforts of a sweet cat cannot be easily surpassed. ]
No, don't apologize. [ He speaks with a soft, calm voice. ] Thank you for telling me...
[ Hand wandering, he fishes for at least one finger to hook onto his. ]
[Goro grants his hand to hold, face buried into Belle's short fur as she curls up in front of him. Gold slips out quietly.]
I haven't thought about her in years. Some friend I am, huh. I don't remember her name either.
[A short laugh, squeezing Akira's hand gently.]
I think that was when... I learned the world could truly be a cruel place. [That if you couldn't ptotect it, then you shouldn't have it, but that applies less now. His voice grows softer.] You're the only one I've ever told this to. Sor-- mm.
[ Yes, good, hold his hand. Akira plays with his hand before interlacing their fingers, squeezing in turn. ]
It is, but you can change it now.
[ And that's the truth. While he would say some comforting words, it's in the past... And there's a cat in the way, so he must settle in hand-holding. ]
Are you okay?
[ He takes this chance to huddle closer, closing the distance between them and burying into Goro's hair. ]
[... He can change that now. It's what he wants to do, after all, make the world a better place, and he smiles a bit.]
Of course. It's in the past, after all.
[And he's... over? That sort of thing, probably? Goro's thumb rubs idly against Akira's hand, thinking back to the sorts of things he's dreamed -- relating to his present life, not the life he'd lived once -- and hums quietly.
Maybe not so over them. The unpleasant dreams are ones he's used to for a reason, mundane as they are. He ducks down more into Belle, feeling oddly claustrophobic, and closes his eyes to focus on the purr vibrating against him.]
What's yours? I'd like it if you refrained from topping me, though.
[ Sorry, Akira is going to suffocate him in warmth. He does back up a bit when he thinks he may be crushing him. While he did bring this little exercise up, he's heavily wracking his brain for something to share. Most painful? Saddest? He didn't have a nice childhood and he does see that he had been robbed of many things, but...
He's drawing blanks. Even some of the events that impacted his life hold nothing to him. He can't remember if he felt anything when they happened. ]
I can't think of anything. [ It's honest. ] After some point, I stopped caring...
[ So nothing was sad and nothing hurt. He lived his life as he wanted and, in a way, it was freeing, but he was always alone. ]
[At some point, he stopped caring. A pretty empty life. Goro stares at him almost in the same way Akira tends to stare, curious and concerned; after a moment he'll look away, never sure what to say at times like these and frustrated that even now-- no, especially with someone important to him.]
That sounds terrifying, honestly.
[Well, that's not comforting in the least. Nnnnnnnnn.]
That's... probably not something you want to hear, is it. But it does, and I hope things are different now. Even sad things have their place in our lives. Even if they suck.
[my god he is terrible at this. this in particular. the comfort thing.]
[ Akira blinks once, twice, and realizes that Goro really sucks at this. It takes him a moment to let those words sink in before he sputters into his free hand, chuckling a bit before having a complete fit.
He has to turn over to hide it, but it isn't working with how his shoulders shake in mirth. ]
[... Yes, yes, he knows, he sucks at words. Even if he knows it, he still turns away in embarrassment and slight irritation, shoulders hunching and face burning.]
I know I suck at this, but I tried. I don't usually.
[He's better at distracting? Actually having the heart to heart comfort is like. Reserved for special people. The people he actually wants to try for, like Silver and Liz. Like Sena. Like Akira, who is laughing at his pitiful attempt. It's... something, he supposes.]
[ Wow, they were face to face, but it turned to back to back so quickly. Akira doesn't seem to mind and doesn't feel the intimacy has lessened at all. He quells the little snickers stuck in his throat, merely looking at the side of the blanket fort as he collects his thoughts. ]
It's all right.
[ Sometimes words are enough and sometimes action is better, but he can appreciate what they have now. He turns over to rest his head against Goro's back, closing his eyes with a smile on his face. ]
[... Oh. That's simple, and Goro turns his head back a little shyly.]
You're low maintance, aren't you. [Observational.
Still not the right thing to say.] And you're certain of that? You wouldn't want someone better at words? For all my eloquence, I know I'm quite lacking.
[ Akira never pinned Goro for one to be exceptionally good at it. It's hard for anyone unless they're trained and went to school for it, he thinks. ]
You can have a silver tongue and still suck, but that's not the point. [ Snickers. ] I'm sure.
[ On both questions, two birds with one stone. He slips a hand under and over so he can wrap his arms around Goro's waist, pulling him closer as he nests comfortably. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He clears his throat once, twice, feeling the small little butterflies in his chest as he remembers this small memory. It's... Kind of embarrassing. He has never had the opportunity to share anything, really.
It's fine, he's a regular on the Internet. ]
Back when I was really young, we couldn't afford a lot of things... But my family planned to go to an amusement park for the very first time. I remember my dad had been working overtime to gain the graces of his superiors and my mom slaving away over a computer to make sure she's free that weekend, too. Unfortunately, the amusement park ended up being closed for last minute construction—I was pretty disappointed. [ ... ] Okay, I was upset, but I didn't show it.
[ Let's not lie? He really wanted to go? ]
Then the next day, my parents set up a miniature amusement park in our small home. Mostly some small booths with carnival games... A makeshift roller coaster cart that's actually a dressed up laundry basket with a projector set up in front of it. My dad would shake the cart and move it around to make it match whatever video was showing. There was a shadow puppet play, too.
[ Thinking about it, it reminds him he hasn't spent time with his family as a family in a long while. ]
They wore costumes, too. Hideous.
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There's some envy, but it isn't burdensome. Just natural. The grass is always greener; where Akira might've been close to his family at some point, it would seem he isn't so much now... and despite Goro having a shattered one, all things considered, he can't imagine being without his mother, his aunt and uncle. Who needs a full family.]
Did you have fun?
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Yeah. It was my first amusement park and nothing will change that.
[ It’s weird, but that memory almost feels foreign to him. It’s been a long time since he thought of it, hasn’t it. It’s almost pathetic of him—note to self, maybe keep a gratitude journal. He’s smiling fondly, but realizes Goro is also smiling. It makes him nervous in a way he can’t explain... His gaze falls as fretful fingers run through his own hair. ]
I kept my part of the deal.
[ Puffing out his cheeks, he keeps it like that for a couple of seconds before letting the air out. ]
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[He shifts onto his back, staring up at the blanket that makes their ceiling, and hums thoughtfully. Not so tense anymore. Easier to think.
... A lot of his memories are muffled, thouģh. Wrapped tight and sealed away. Goro knows logically there are happy times, but they seem so inconsequential that they don't surface; happy birthday hummed until his mom fell asleep holding him, growing flowers, festivals they don't really have here... all important to him, but nothing compared to Akira's.
He really shouldn't compare.]
... I suppose the happiest memory I have is a festival happening around my birthday. It almost felt like it was a celebration for me, with so many people and fireworks, and my mom even made me a small cake. As a child, that feeling was exhilarating, almost too good to be true, but it isn't like I could tell you specifics. I was too wrapped up in wonder.
[It's small and lame, it's just born from a wish to have a big party and technically getting it, but it does count under the happy memory umbrella. As far as he's concerned, it's the happiest he recalls feeling.]
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When it ends, he scoots closer to nuzzle into the side of his dyed head. When he's done burying his nose in, he gently whispers something. It isn't surprising, nothing offensive. ]
I'll throw you a big party next year. Fireworks and all.
[ He has a friend that's a cop so they won't get arrested for it, either. ]
Of course I'll need advice from your mom here and there, just to make sure it has that magic touch.
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I'd like that. [Quiet, and he turns his head to look at Akira, gaze as affectionate as his tone.] Though I'd be just as happy with a party of you and some sparklers, you know.
[At least, that's how he feels at this very moment.]
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You can still monopolize me all you want in the company of all your friends and family.
[ He mouths the words "baka" before gently flicking Goro's forehead. ]
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And have them tease me mercilessly about it? I'll die, Akira.
[But honestly, he's keen on the idea. That's really showing him off. And... by that time, for better or worse, his family would know that he's dating a boy. A very wonderful boy. A boy who is not without faults, but makes him very happy and that's what is important to them. Goro'll sigh, brushing his fingers through Akira's hair.]
I suppose I'll just take you down with me. Don't think I won't, I'll have plenty of know-how by that time.
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[ Why won't you let him live?
He's basically going to die with Goro whether or not he likes it. It's the boy's birthday and the least he can do is try his best to make him happy, especially after everything. ]
All right. That wasn't so bad. [ But now it's the harder part. ] Do you want me to start the second part?
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Goro'll keep petting Akira too, mostly for his own sake. Bat off that growing anxiety again.]
And what would that be, Akira?
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Obviously, when there's good, there's also bad—so sharing bad memories is part two. Then we'll be done.
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It's almost like an interview... is this my monthly review as your boyfriend? Will you give me a grade based on my performance? Because there's certainly other things I could do to pass with flying marks.
[Like cook! And take out on dates! Fun dates are worth an A+.]
I can start on this one, though. I suppose it would be my saddest? Or my worst.
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Whichever you're most comfortable with sharing.
[ ... ]
By the way, this is a pass or fail test.
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I'll do my best to pass, then... Let's see.
[Now he's bringing nails into this, sort of scratching Akira's head like you would a cat's.]
There was a stray dog that I befriended, once. I shared my leftovers with her every day until she'd wait for me at the gate, obedient as could be. So she wasn't really my dog, but she was important to me. And then, after summer break...
[Goro trails off, smile waning.]
I stopped seeing her around. I waited for her every day, since she would walk me home, but... nothing. I was devastated. Maybe she'd simply gotten tired of waiting in the heat. Maybe she thought I wasn't coming around anymore. So I reluctantly put it to the back of my mind and continued as I had before.
Soon after, there were complaints about a terrible, rotting smell coming from an alley near the school. It was disturbing the children, they said. It was harmful to public health. Things like that. But no one could find the source of the stench, and I wasn't particularly interested in finding it either. It was gross and none of my business.
[He's quiet for a moment, hand slowly coming to a stop.]
I was given a... helpful tip, you could say, by way of some writing on my desk. It didn't seem unusual at first, given that it was just the writing I'd gotten used to washing off every morning, but... when I followed the directions that afternoon, under the blistering sun, the stench so horrible I could barely stand it, I found my friend. There was, ah, no... no way I could identify who'd done it, of course, and she was just a stray, so it wasn't like she truly mattered to anyone but me...
[A lump lodges itself in his throat and he swallows, glancing off. This isn't even anything he's told his mom, honestly? Akira's probably the first person -- no, definitely the first person to ever hear this, and Goro shrinks back with a soft laugh, trying to hide his sudden vulnerability. As if Alerted, Belle's clambering over Akira with a series of chirrups to press herself onto Goro, settling once he starts to pet her.]
Sorry. That was a little overachieving of me, wasn't it.
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Still, it doesn't change the gruesome tale laid before him. There are some heavy implications here that concerns Akira, but the matter at hand is Goro lost someone dear to him... He huddles closer, trying to get his own piece of Goro despite Belle blocking his way. That's fine. He's close enough. It's fine. The comforts of a sweet cat cannot be easily surpassed. ]
No, don't apologize. [ He speaks with a soft, calm voice. ] Thank you for telling me...
[ Hand wandering, he fishes for at least one finger to hook onto his. ]
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I haven't thought about her in years. Some friend I am, huh. I don't remember her name either.
[A short laugh, squeezing Akira's hand gently.]
I think that was when... I learned the world could truly be a cruel place. [That if you couldn't ptotect it, then you shouldn't have it, but that applies less now. His voice grows softer.] You're the only one I've ever told this to. Sor-- mm.
[Don't apologize, he'd said.]
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It is, but you can change it now.
[ And that's the truth. While he would say some comforting words, it's in the past... And there's a cat in the way, so he must settle in hand-holding. ]
Are you okay?
[ He takes this chance to huddle closer, closing the distance between them and burying into Goro's hair. ]
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Of course. It's in the past, after all.
[And he's... over? That sort of thing, probably? Goro's thumb rubs idly against Akira's hand, thinking back to the sorts of things he's dreamed -- relating to his present life, not the life he'd lived once -- and hums quietly.
Maybe not so over them. The unpleasant dreams are ones he's used to for a reason, mundane as they are. He ducks down more into Belle, feeling oddly claustrophobic, and closes his eyes to focus on the purr vibrating against him.]
What's yours? I'd like it if you refrained from topping me, though.
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He's drawing blanks. Even some of the events that impacted his life hold nothing to him. He can't remember if he felt anything when they happened. ]
I can't think of anything. [ It's honest. ] After some point, I stopped caring...
[ So nothing was sad and nothing hurt. He lived his life as he wanted and, in a way, it was freeing, but he was always alone. ]
It was a pretty empty life.
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That sounds terrifying, honestly.
[Well, that's not comforting in the least. Nnnnnnnnn.]
That's... probably not something you want to hear, is it. But it does, and I hope things are different now. Even sad things have their place in our lives. Even if they suck.
[my god he is terrible at this. this in particular. the comfort thing.]
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He has to turn over to hide it, but it isn't working with how his shoulders shake in mirth. ]
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I know I suck at this, but I tried. I don't usually.
[He's better at distracting? Actually having the heart to heart comfort is like. Reserved for special people. The people he actually wants to try for, like Silver and Liz. Like Sena. Like Akira, who is laughing at his pitiful attempt. It's... something, he supposes.]
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It's all right.
[ Sometimes words are enough and sometimes action is better, but he can appreciate what they have now. He turns over to rest his head against Goro's back, closing his eyes with a smile on his face. ]
I just need you by my side. Thank you.
[ And that's more than he can ask for. ]
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You're low maintance, aren't you. [Observational.
Still not the right thing to say.] And you're certain of that? You wouldn't want someone better at words? For all my eloquence, I know I'm quite lacking.
[He's just curious on that second question.]
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You can have a silver tongue and still suck, but that's not the point. [ Snickers. ] I'm sure.
[ On both questions, two birds with one stone. He slips a hand under and over so he can wrap his arms around Goro's waist, pulling him closer as he nests comfortably. ]
Should we just sleep here?
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